While not everyone agrees, I feel like this was a life experience that I needed to share and after months of being on the fence about starting my blog I knew in my heart that NOW was the time. I wanted somewhere to express my feelings and get them out of my head, not only for my own personal healing but to hopefully help someone who may be going through the same thing. Unfortunately, I am realizing more and more that miscarriage is common, but also a subject that isn’t talked about a lot.
Let the adventure begin
The summer of 2018 my husband (boyfriend at the time) were making big moves, literally. We had just purchased our first home in Fort Worth and saying good-bye to the apartment life. We knew that we wanted to have kids. I think I was way more eager to get started “trying” than he was but he also wasn’t against the idea at all. Soon after getting into our new home we had decided not to “try” but also not, “NOT try”. Secretly I was downloading every app and praying that we would get pregnant soon. I wasn’t naive, I didn’t expect to get pregnant right away but after the first couple of months I was slightly bummed that it wasn’t happening. Month after month of being unprotected, hoping for a positive test, and getting my period was emotional exhausting. But again, we (mostly Orlando) were kind of just letting whatever happen, happen. In October of 2018 we got engaged, and decided that since we were getting married in May of 2019 we would put a holt to the baby making. I eventually got on birth control for a few months not just to ensure I could fit in my dress but also to help with my acne. I think taking a step back and not being so focused on it was a huge help for me mentally.
..and can I just say, that if you feel a sense of bitterness seeing pregnancy announcements and all things BABY when you are trying to get pregnant you are not alone. Don’t get me wrong, I was and am genuinely so happy for all the moms to be but it can be HARD. It’s something I had to learn to overcome and know that my time was going to come at the perfect moment.
May 2019 was everything I dreamed of, our wedding was perfect. We had already decided after our honeymoon that we wanted to try again, so getting home I immediately stopped taking birth control and started tracking my cycle more diligently.
July 15th, 2019
Two months later, on the most casual Monday ever I was suddenly awoken at 5:00 am with the extreme urge to pee and somehow remembered to take a pregnancy test as I ran to the kitchen to grab a disposable cup and into the guest restroom. With tired eyes and ready to go back to bed I quickly glanced at the test giving it only seconds to do it’s thing. Seen one line, tossed it in the trash and went back to bed with my husband.
A few hours later Orlando had gotten up to get ready for work and casually asked if I took a test that morning (i’m assuming he seen the evidence in the bathroom). I quickly responded with yes, but it was negative and dozed back off to sleep. Around 9:00 am I figured I should probably get out of bed and get my workout in for the day, Orlando was at work. As usual I went to the kitchen to make my hype juice, was just about to sit down before pressing play and a little voice inside my head told me to pull the test I had taken earlier that morning out of the trash and look again. Maybe there was a line. I went back to the bathroom pulled the test out of the trash and, and saw a super faint line. I honestly could not believe what I was seeing but yet I was so hopeful that this was real. I swear I spent several hours googling if this could possibly be true knowing darn well that google did not have a yes or no answer for me.
I always knew I wanted to surprise Orlando in a non-traditional way so the next day during my lunch break I decided I needed to confirm what I was seeing. I went to Walgreens purchased a $17 digital clear blue test, drove to Trader Joes down the street used their restroom to take the test and anxiously awaited for three whole minutes while it loaded. PREGNANT came across the screen and I nearly died with happiness. Immediately I ran to my car and sat in the parking lot planning an entire scavenger hunt for Orlando to come home to that evening.
After work I raced home, went to Walmart for nerf guns (part of the scavenger hunt), came home to get everything set up to surprise him, was just about to head down to the neighborhood park (where the surprise was really going to happen) and in walks Orlando as Im standing there with my nerf gun and go-pro in hand. WHAT? Omg I was crushed. As he was reading clues around the house asking if I still wanted him to do it I grabbed the positive test and just held it up. He responded with “you’re pregnant?”! Okay so it didn’t go as planned but nothing could really kill my vibes, i was beaming with happiness.
I have to wait 8 weeks?
I wanted to know EVERYTHING and I refreshed my “weekly” update on my app 100 times a day just to make sure it didn’t have any news for me that might have missed-specifically avoiding all things that talked about miscarriage because I wasn’t going to allow myself to focus on that. I wanted to know all the things about my baby that meant he/she was growing because waiting 4 more weeks for my first appointment felt like F O R E V E R.
The beginning of week 5 was exciting. I started making countdowns in my bullet journal. Thinking if I could just get to Friday I’ll be leaving for Kansas and once I return it will already be week 6. Leaving me only 2 weeks until our appointment. The Bad Bunny concert is not the 8th, that leaves me only 4 days. I CAN DO THIS.
I woke up on Tuesday morning (week 5) to get my workout in and needing to urinate per usual. I ran to the bathroom sat down and immediately noticed there was a small amount of blood. My heart sunk, i went into our bedroom and woke Orlando up frantically letting him know I was bleeding. Him being who he is, even half asleep started to calm me saying that it’s okay…this is probably normal…just relax and call the doctor once they open.
I sat on the couch fearful of what was going on. I wanted answers. I didn’t want to wait. I just needed to know that our baby way okay.
On my drive to work, I called the doctor but she was unavailable and suggested that I leave a message for her to call me back. I was totally out of it for the first hour at work, constantly thinking what if? The doctor got back with me and suggested that I go to a Lab and have blood work done to check my progesterone and HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels and then return in 48 hours to see if they had increased (hoping that they would double). During my lunch break I had my blood drawn.
Walking into the lab was the first time my emotions really got me and the crying began. We weren’t going to get any kind of results back until the following day, which made my anxiety about all this worse. I just kept telling myself it’s going to be okay no matter what the outcome is.
Wednesday came and the doctor called to tell me that the pregnancy hormones showed that I was in fact pregnant and the HCG seemed to be normal but my progesterone which keeps the pregnancy moving forward was low. Mine was 2.5 and should have been around 15. She was reassuring me not to worry as this could just mean it’s early in the pregnancy or that it’s a sign of an early miscarriage the only way to find out was to retest the following day in hopes that my HCG had doubled.
The Dr. prescribed me progesterone to take starting that night to hopefully increase the levels. My heart sunk again. All the encouragement and positivity that I had gained felt like it was just swiped away in that instant. I didn’t know how to feel but I knew that being positive was the only option at this point. Constantly trying to give myself pep talks while my eyes swelled with tears. I was emotionally unable to keep it together. Hormones + the unknown = a whole lot of uncontrollable tears.
Orlando was encouraging me to tell my mom, his sisters, my friends, anyone that I could lean on that’s been through a pregnancy to help me get through my emotions. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I envisioned surprising all of them with the good news and had it all planned out. BUT again, the tears were getting harder and harder to fight back. I truly couldn’t keep this to myself anymore.
At lunch I called my mom (she’s 5 hours away in Oklahoma) she picked up and immediately asked if she could call me back. I assured her that was fine. Moments later she called me back and sobbing I responded “mom, i need to tell you something. I didn’t want to tell you this way but I cant keep it in anymore. I’m pregnant and I’m terrified.” She immediately responded and said “why? What’s wrong?” and I just let everything out that was going on and what I was feeling.
My mom was a saint that day. Truly her words of encouragement and prayers were more than I could have asked for and she left me with this…
“Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God, I will strengthen and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.” I held onto these words constantly reading them over and over again.
Thursday I got up, went to work and felt different. I was cramping worse than I had been throughout the pregnancy and I noticed I was bleeding a lot more. I knew something wasn’t right. Again, the tears were impossible to hold back at this point. On my lunch break I went back to the lab for my second round and was super anxious as I hate getting blood drawn on a good day, let alone when I am a nervous wreck. The lab tech could NOT get my vein and stuck both arms finally getting it on her third try. I was sitting in the chair profusely sweating and I had this sudden rush of fluid and I knew something was not right. I ran to the bathroom to find a huge increase of blood. I left the lab and immediately called Orlando telling him I needed him to leave work and meet me at the emergency room.
The Emergency Room
As soon as I was parked and stood in front of the sliding glass doors to the ER I called my mom, sobbing as I told her I was scared. Scared of being in the ER alone, scared of what was to come, just straight up FEAR. Checking myself in was mortifying, having to say “I think I’m having a miscarriage” as tears roll down my face in front of an entire ER waiting room to the hateful front desk assistant made me want to crawl in a hole more than I already did.
Thankfully as soon as they got me checked in and to a room the doctor came in and introduced herself. Her tone of voice and genuine concern totally calmed me down and she began telling me exactly what we were going to do and what it was going to tell us. Blood test, Urine test, and an ultrasound. Right before I went back for the ultrasound Orlando showed up. I honestly thought that Orlando would be able to back with me during the ultrasound and I was counting on it, when they pulled me back and told me he wasn’t able to I got extremely nervous.
I laid on the bed as the radiologist got set up, my legs quivering uncontrollably. She completed the abdominal ultrasound and said that she was not able to see anything probably due to being 5 weeks along so she would need to go in vaginally. WHAT? I began asking a million questions…”is this going to hurt? Im bleeding a lot? How long will this be? Does it feel like a pap?..” she reassured me that it would be okay, had me change and she began the ultrasound. I stared up at the vent on the ceiling and tried to think of anything BUT what was happening. After she got the pictures she needed she had me get back into my clothes. There was blood, so much blood. I knew this wasn’t good.
From here we had one last chat with the Doctor, she couldn’t say that we had for sure had a miscarriage due to how early it was but there was no sac or placenta in my wound anymore. We would need to follow up with blood work to confirm since she was not sure what my initial blood work showed. I called my OBGYN and confirmed that the first labs showed my HCG at 467, second labs 512, and now in the ER 507. After sharing this information with the ER doctor she stated that it was more than likely a miscarriage due to the numbers already declining in just a few hours and they should have doubled at this point.
I left there feeling broken. As soon as we got home (around 5:00pm) I was already having more intense cramping, took some Tylenol and crawled into bed. My husband was INCREDIBLE throughout this entire experience. He waited on me hand and foot without hesitation. I slept until 11:00 am the next day. Friday was a struggle, its emotional and physically draining to lose your baby, have so much bleeding, cramping, and your hormones firing all over the place. I didn’t move, I had no appetite, I binge watched The Fosters, chugged water, cried and then cried some more, prayed, and just let myself feel whatever I needed to feel.
My bleeding lasted almost a week and I had random stomach pains around day three but other than that I feel incredibly blessed that my symptoms were not worse. Mentally I feel like sharing my story, knowing that I wasn’t alone, and listening to the “Life After Miscarriage” podcast hosted by Shelly Mettling all played a huge role in me finding peace with this loss. We will miss our sweet baby that we only got to love for a few weeks but we know that God’s Plan is greater than ours. I can’t thank our family, friends, and those of you that have reached out to us with your comforting words. It means the world to us. Someday soon we will get our Rainbow baby. If you have survived a miscarriage, I encourage you to share your story, with a close friend or family member…whatever feels comfortable to you. I promise it will be one the most healing things you can do for yourself. I know the moment I opened up on social media about our story, those with healthy babies began opening up with me and sharing their own stories. It bring you back down to earth when you realize you’re not alone in such an isolating experience.
What I have learned is that although I may want to be in control of everything in my life, some things are truly in God’s hands. I know that someday we will get our rainbow baby, I just have to be okay with waiting a little longer and trusting God through the process.