Week 3 was by far the hardest week thus far. This is about to seem like a big fat complain fest and it probably is because like I said week 3 was HARD. But I don’t share this or any of my life for you to feel sorry for us. I share it because in my hard moments the key to getting through them have been God & community. Someone out there is unfortunately facing something similar to what we have or they are grieving for that child that has yet to come and I want them to know that they aren’t alone. That I too have my days & weeks that SUCK, where it takes everything in me to believe that God’s plan IS mighty.
I think having my husband back at work was one of the toughest. I didn’t think about it much until it was happening. Oh boy do I miss him when he’s gone. Every ounce of me wanted him to stay at home with me forever. He is my comfort and the only person that is going through this with me right now. Just holding his hand when I feel defeated gives me a breathe of fresh air.
On that same note, I’m going through so much that he can’t relate to and that he probably doesn’t fully understand. Giving birth to a baby is by far the most life changing event I’ve ever experienced. It’s beautiful…but it’s also very very hard. My body went through so much…a major surgery and the healing process is far from glamorous. For me it’s not even the adult diapers or the physical body changes, that’s the easiest part in my opinion. It’s the struggle to do daily task, boobs leaking, not being able to clean up my house, not able to move my body in whatever way I want to, the list goes on and on. & then the hardest part of all of this is that we don’t have our precious boy here to help me forget about all of these unglamorous things that come with giving birth and are happening to my body right now.
Then there are my thoughts. They are annoyingly powerful and the hardest thing to control through this.
Between wanting to get back into my fitness routine because that’s what I know and love especially when going through hard things but also terrified that I won’t be ready for that for a long time. To second guessing every move I make. Right now it feels like my guts my quite possibly fall out when walking without a belly binder (explicit, but real). I’m also type A personality so I want to know an exact date of when I’ll be able to do all of the things, but unfortunately that’s not how it works. Then you get into the deep side of things and the thoughts of having to wait an entire year to begin thinking about having another baby. The reality that i already had a c-section and we don’t have a baby. Our bodies can only handle so many. Plus a million other emotions as my hormones are all over the place becuase I just gave birth. For those of you that have struggled with infertility I am sure you know all to well what I am feeling and going through emotionally in some way.
ALL of this is HEAVY and I know 1000% that I’m being impatient and that God will provide all of this in his timing. It just sucks soooooo bad to have these silly things weighing so heavy on my heart when I know for certain that if our baby boy was in our arms still that I wouldn’t have given these thoughts an ounce of my focus. I have to fight daily for these thoughts not to consume me and to trust God and his plan.
I ended week three with a breakdown. With tears rolling down my face while we were making our way home with no words to speak. Sometimes you just need to cry because all of it is just to hard to keep inside in that moment. So that’s what I did. I cried until I was able to talk and tell my husband what was going on inside my head.
I decided week 4 was going to be different and I have made an effort to work more on my thoughts, open up a devotional, and move my body as much as I felt was reasonable. I am far far from perfect and the weeks ahead may have some week 3 vibes but they too shall pass.
It’s a crazy time in the world and we are going through one of the hardest things that we’ve ever been through but we also have so freaking much to be grateful for. I pray that we come out of this hard season of our lives as better humans & have a relationship that is stronger than ever with each other and God.